Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in Joseph's LiveJournal:

[ << Previous 20 ]

Tuesday, February 14th, 2006
10:45 pm	Sad So I havnt used this in a long time as I have been on myspace. I need to vent. On the surface things have been going good. I have a plan and goals and bla bla bla. But scratch that and you will find hurt and sadness and struggle. Lets start with the family. They are all paired off. Not only that but they are at all holiday and family gatherings together. Hell even crazy grandma joan is dating someone. So here I am, eldest of 3 and forever single. I have not had 1...not ONE person to bring home. I desperately want that. I want that so much I can't stand the way they all look at me. I see it...I feel it and it makes me sick just thinking about it. And they wonder why I avoid family stuff. If I do go I am the last to arrive and the first to leave. Lets now move onto my friends. Who seem to be bored with me. No one ever calls me. I'm lucky to get an email. I feel I have to fight to keep friendships. Sure IF I go out I am bound to run into a group of people and chat and have a good time but ask me if one of those people call me after that....No. Its as if all my friends are ballons and I am holding all the strings...After time my grip weekens and people start to slip away. I guess it goes back to being wanted. I honest dont feel I am wanted as a friend and I KNOW I am not wanted as anything more. I just want to be wanted some way. Not to add insult to injury I am completly cut off and on my own and unable to keep it going. I am barely making it by. All these are excellent for the mental state of a manic depressive. Im holding to together. I feel like an oyster A hard dark shell and a mess on the inside. I refuse to let people see me weak. On here its different...I can be weak because no one is here but me. I need a fucking break here. God give me a break, some luck, something. I have a great facade, it has taken years of hard work but I can hold my head high in any situation. I can "have fun" and be "entertaining" anywhere with anyone. Now I just need someone to want to be my friend to want to be with me, to want to spend time with me....To think about me. Please think of me. Actions speak louder then words, but I dont expect anything from this...Just needed to vent (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Tuesday, September 13th, 2005
12:15 pm	<> I'm a little sick of being single. When I say a little I mean a lot. I am 23 and have yet to have any kind of serious relationship. That is soooo pathetic. Lets break it down. I suppose we can take the middle and high school years and throw those out, since I hadnt come to terms with being gay. That leaves 18-23....5 years. Year one: I moved to Orlando and started UCF. Everything was new, I was shy, I didnt know anyone. Year two: Moved into the Gay apt. Met Roland, we all know how that turned out. And had a lot of sex. Lots of glitter and drinking Year three: Moved in with Carly, best roommate ever, Fewer friends but better friends Year four: Last year of college, This had to be the year.....no Year five: Moved back to tampa, Got an apartment, surely there was someone here? I had used and abused Orlando, Tampa had to be it....but yet I'm still here every christmas, every birthday, every new years. Always surrounded by good friends, never having to look to hard for a fun night, never having to look had for a good lay, but finding a date for me is like finding real fendi on canal st. And it HAS to be me... 5 years cannot be blammed on anyone but me. I've seen some of these people with boyfriends and I can say with confidence I'm better looking, smarter, funnier, but yet I'm missing something. I seem to have a big neon flashing sigh above my head that says "Be-Friend me but DONT date me". Maybe I'm a bad person and just dont know it. Crazy people dont know they are crazy. Maybe all you good people are keeping me from knowing what a big loser I am. Such a Debbie Downer....Dont worry I wont bring it up in person.... (Comment on this)
Sunday, September 11th, 2005
12:50 pm	Have you ever been kissed... [x] on the cheek [x] on the lips [x] on the neck [x] on the stomach [x] on the hand [x] in my room [x] in their room [x] in a hotel room [x] of the opposite sex [x] of the same sex [x] younger than me [x] older than me [x] with black hair [x] with curly hair [x ] with blonde hair [x] with a tattoo [x] with straight hair [x] shorter than me [ ] with a lip ring [x] with a tounge ring [x] who was drunk [x]when i was drunk [x] taller than me [x] who was high [x] just before bed [x] late at night [x] who I really didnt want to kiss. [x] who was going out with someone else [x] on a bed [x] two people at the same time [x] right after you’ve kissed somebody else...or at the same time. [ ] in a graveyard. [x] against a wall [x] at a show. [x] at the beach [x] in a pool. [x] who was/is a good friend. [ ] in the rain. [x] in a car [ ] on a plane [x] in the movies. [x] in a bathroom. [x] in the dark. [ ] on a roof top [ ] under water [x] at the park. [x] while people were watching So what does this tell me.....I need to make out With someone who has a lip ring, in a graveyard, when its raining. Then I need to go to the airport make park on the roof top, make out there then get on a plane, and make out there and fly somewhere tropical and make out under water. And that should just aobut cover it.... (Comment on this)
Sunday, July 24th, 2005
9:10 pm	stuck in the middle Sometimes it feels that there are 2 groups of gay men. The first are the pretty people. They all date each other and have a good time....And then there are the ugly people, which surprisingly date each other and have a good time. Im trapped inbetween. im a 5....a lonely 5.......a 5 who lives in the 5+ world....ugh im tired and lonely. (Comment on this)
Sunday, July 3rd, 2005
9:45 am	...Again It seems that my problem is wanting too much, having a dream too big, expecting people to live up to their potential. The Oprah tells us to dream big, but when it doesnt work it makes the disappointment that much greater. It seems to be a pattern in my life, a constant string of disappointments from myself and others. I suppose that means Im spoiled? Because I'm never satisfied or happy. There is always more, and not just with material things. Even with guys and friends and family, I want more from them. I want more attention, more love, more time, more ....oh dear god Im Veruca Salt, a bad egg. Whats bad about that is when an egg goes bad it can never come back. It just rots from the inside out, and if you do get to close the stench will make you sick....Destine to be alone and segregated until the day its tossed out with the trash. All this because one specific person disappointed me and will never truly understand because I set myself up for it. I set them up to fail, in hopes to be proven wrong, and when they dont I'm still upset. Its not suppose to work that way. When you set someone up to fail its not suppose to hurt so much when they do. Oh well....He will never change and I can never expect him too, but I will still hope, that part is still good. I still hope and dream, but its increasingly getting harder to hold onto that. To those who do prove me wrong....thank you Current Mood: disappointed Current Music: Only Hope- Mandy Moore (Comment on this)
Wednesday, June 29th, 2005
8:42 am	random To begin let me just say I REALLY miss school. Its sad but I think it was "the best time of my life" I had it so good. Sure it could have been better and yes I bitched. But the only bill I had to worry about was the neimans card, and making sure I had enough cash to pay people who wouldnt take credit cards (not that I'd want my dad or anyone else to see what I was buying, no not sex). No use harping on something I can do nothing about. I will never be completely taken care of and have absolute freedom ever again :(. So moving on to my random Strep induced dream. So my family and I went to our French Country styled manor on the lake. But when we got their my assey (yes assey) french cousins were there. ..... Im bored talking about that...ADD I havnt seen a good sit down drag show in FOREVER!!!. I think if i dont go to atlanta this weekend I might go to PH on saturday to see a show. I just want to sit back relax and watch some fun fabulous drag queens. Of course my all time favorite performance would have to be from Nazhoni....Sunglasses was and is the most fun I have ever had! Got to love her, even if she never remembers who I am, lol. Man I need to see some men in girls clothing (Comment on this)
Sunday, May 1st, 2005
2:30 pm	lonely...... (Comment on this)
Tuesday, April 26th, 2005
8:44 am	dream So my dream was odd and here it goes: i was in a house that belonged to my father who was a man of importance in some way. Some people came into this grand home and began shooting it up, 2 men. I was by a large glass wall and a grand piano not moving, attempting to hide i guess, as there was no other place. One man walked by and shot me 3 times in the back....I collapsed but was still consious...I tried to act dead so they would leave and just as he was about to walk out the door he shot me 2 more times. At this point i fell over more and could not move but was still awake. Someone rushed over and we talked and I acted as if it was nothing, for i felt no pain. I then passed out, I woke up again briefly but only for a moment, the next time i woke up was 3 months later. I came out of my coma fine, I just had to learn to walk all over again and build up my strength. For a while i was in a wheel chair but slowly regained my ability to walk. I felt very anxious to people i didnt know, especially when they came in pairs. And really would you be if you were shot 5 times?!? Now what does all this mean? Im lost. (Comment on this)
Wednesday, April 20th, 2005
10:29 pm	So....AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. Im fucking cursed with CRAZY BOYS!..... AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH...... I need to scream and scream and scream (Comment on this)
6:15 pm	I hate boys Ok....so I found this guy...I wont mention his name because he is evil and an asshole, and Im totally all about him. Makes sense right. He is controlling and a jerk, a crazy driver, an ex convict, demanding, schemeing, and all around the anti-prince charming.....so why am i wrapped up? Why on earth to i give to shits? No clue....but I do....Im....Well he is me. He has my personality 5 years from now....assuming lots of bitter times. He doesnt things I do. So you think i could read this...NO. Im a hard person to date it seems. I make it hard for people to love me. ....In any case....its better then numb (Comment on this)
Monday, April 18th, 2005
6:47 am	Work I am once again working.....Let me just say....its like "normal" hours, which is better for me...but still EWWW.....Im not a worker bee. I sure hope that I find a way so that I no longer have to work. blaaaa......here goes work (Comment on this)
Thursday, April 14th, 2005
9:42 am	....and im trashy Its 9:45am.....My car is in St Pete. I dont know the name of the guy I woke up naked next too next too and i went to my interview drunkish.....And this is what happens when i get stood up and then treated badly by some i kinda like.....I should do it more often (Comment on this)
Sunday, March 13th, 2005
12:19 pm	looks right**couples, dates, interested glances, numbers, kisses** looks left ** couples, dates, interested glance, numbers, kisses** looks ahead into mirror **alone, singular, static, slowly dying** (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Saturday, March 5th, 2005
2:31 am	easy have you ever been driving and just thought how easy it would be to gun it and then jerk the wheel when on an over pass sending your car flying over the edge? Or maybe how easy it would be to just have a bottle of nyquil to was down the bottle of tylenol that goes well with the vodka and sleep? or maybe how easy it seems to be for people to look right through you as if you never existed how easy it seems for most people to find someone, just someone, someone who thinks they are worth thinking about how easy it is to be the center of attention as long as you are loud, funny, and quick and how easily you disappear when you close your mouth how everyone thinks its so easy to make friends and have no idea the energy needed to maintain that, just so that you are not always alone how easily people forget and over look and ignore someone how easy it is to say no how easy it is to lie and how hard it is to cry because you havnt not allowed yourself because you know it makes it that much easier for others to let you go... (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Sunday, February 27th, 2005
7:15 pm	miami here in miami at the apple store. Just had an over draft scare but i had more money then i thought. I bought a few really cute original things. Ill update more later but im having a FABULOUS time. Carlys family is so much fun. last night we went out to dinner with really good pizza and wine. Then the girls and i went out to i/o and had a good night. lots of cute guys, i need to grow some balls and start talking. Side note. the bar tender is an assholes and we are done with him this morning we went to her uncles country club for brunch, fabulous....now we are shopping. This was a great idea. I love this and im having a ball (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Friday, February 25th, 2005
9:07 am	MIAMI Life has been weird, went on a few dates one was lunch at the columbia and a movie, good times. The other was not so much a date as a "hey nice to meet you, give me a free drink" See he is a bartender who lives/works about an hour away. The guy was worth it, so cute in a dorky fun way. There was another guy there a guy who reminded me a lot of someone else i used to know. So i, of course, knew exactly how to handle him to make him facinated in me. Needless to say i was a jerk to the bar tender by doing that. But i was just talking with him. And when the bar closed i wanted to go hang out with him, not the str8 boy, but he couldnt. So i hung out with the str8 boy for a while and then felt a little to drunk and a little to tired to drive an hour home. So i just crashed in his hotel room, and then he started throwing up and slept in the bathroom.... Other new, Heading to MIAMI with carly, jenn, and erin...G4 back in action and on the road! (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Friday, February 18th, 2005
10:00 am	odd dream so little bits and peices i was hanging out with some girl and she was all dominatrix[y] and then i decided it would be fun to hang out at this party as her slave so i was all in leather and a hood, well some girl in a cop uniform wanted to do me....and i was OK with that so we made out for a while and then someone walked in the closet and ruined it. Well next thing i know im out of that and in normal clothes. I met some hot little indie rock boy with black hair, and his friend. they came over and i had to get ready for work so i was all...km going to shower, well he wanted to join me. so we go in the bathroom he strips down but there are no towels in that bathroom.....and scene bitch...i cant even hook up in my drunken dream on my friends couch (Comment on this)
Thursday, February 10th, 2005
3:03 am	hmm its 3am....i cant sleep....im debating staying up...sure i have work but hey...what are ya going to do? also, i still hae a wrist band from one of the clubs....its white....nothing else on it....it will be my reminder...it will serve as a constant reminder of what i want, and that is simply for someone to want me. For someone to go to bed wishing for me, for a second glance.....im exhausted, not tired but exhausted, its so hard to try and keep positive..atleast externally....im not making sense, im just a mess...i know im suppose to look for happiness inside, but all i see is darkness, you try looking for something the size of a pin head in something the size a battleship...in the dark....yet i still hold on to hope, like a box of matches, it lights the room for a second, but its just enough to keep u from giving up... im going to lay here for another few hrs (Comment on this)
1:00 am	Mardi Gras 2005 8pm Monday: I am at work and I look at the "Hot News" and it says someone is closed because of Mardi Gras...Hmmm wouldnt that be fun?...I have the next 2 days off....why not? I send out the text to the boys 11pm Monday: I get home from work and Mike is there waiting, Kris says he is not going and i pack and get ready we leave by Midnight 1am Tuesday: We stop and get wendys...this is that last food for almost 24hrs 5-6am Tuesday: Mike and I switch after 2 Full Throatal energy drinks and WIDE awake TIme Zone Change 10am Tuesday: we are in new orleans, Ive been up since 9am Monday morning, and we decide we need to get a hotel room. So we call around and get the cheapest room that came to 160 for the night...the catch is we cant check in till 4pm. So begins the longest 6hrs of my LIFE. Every 5 mins seemed like 30. So we walked around the french quarter, where the hotel was, feeling drunk, but not, and watching the swarms of people all over the place. We hung out in the gay section on Burban and st ann's. Mike met a guy. 3:30pm Tuesday: the 3 of us walk back, me after 3 beers and a long island. We check in after some room key issues (the shit doesnt work!) And nap for about 2 , well i didnt actually sleep, it was like i was coked out....my heart was racing, and there were noises from the other bed...lol. 6:00pm Tuesday: Shower and get ready....wanting a boy.....so we went out....up now for 33hrs. 7-10:30ish Tuesday: Walking around mike all day...watching guys come up and talk to him, watching as they check him out all day, no sleep, self confidence already low, not having anyone even give me a second glance....Not for lack of trying,...but really...anyway, Mike and his guy tried, i tried to keep a smile, but 5 LI's later, I was done. So I left, I told mike to stay and I walked back to the hotel and passed out Sometime between when i fell asleep and when I woke up Tuesday-Wednesday: Great DREAM! Wish it was true.... 12:00pm Wednesday: We leave New Orleans TIme Zone Change 11:15pm We are on 275 on cruise, no one else on the road, no lights as far as the eye can see...CHAIR! A black office chair in the middle of the road and no time to get around it. THe thing went under the car and fucked it up....I will be there in the morning Overall....It was a great experience, i dont regret it, Id do it again, However...this is my thought...If you cant get laid at mardi gras with thousands of drunk gay men, you cant get laid anywhere. So im just going to stay in for a while, take these energy pills and drinks, dont eat (since ive got no money)....over it, just ugly and bitter....no wonder i wear black and red, it serves as a warning that Im bitter and taste fowl like a lady bug and like that lady bug you want me to be around for luck, you just dont want to get lucky with it. so lets just leave it....ive got a mirror, and im aware. Thanks for being a good friend and think about nice things you can say to me....but no need:) (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Friday, January 21st, 2005
2:38 pm	over it everything is good now...will update soon about how my interview goes today. If i get this job i will be making a lot more money. Working for porsche maserati, and not selling...how nice. I hear they may even give me cars on weekends....:-D but after 3 months there, i would be getting a new car anyway, lets hope i get a good deal, because a new 3series convertable would look so good on me. (1 Comment |Comment on this)